Indirect

“Hmm.” 

Public restrooms have always been rather intriguing. You find yourself so close to strangers performing the most intimate of activities. I stared at the wall where my urinal was mounted and heard the man in the stall next to me continue to shift. He was grunting, panting.

“Poop poop.” He said. 

That really caught my attention. Was he surprised by, well, what was happening to his body? Did he think something else was going to come out? Maybe he had a kid in there and was trying to tell the toddler to go poop poop. But the grunting and panting… nah, let’s not go there.

I washed my hands slowly at the handicap accessible sink. It jutted out an extra foot or two from the wall compared to the other sinks. I cranked the paper towel dispenser and ripped the brown paper to dry my hands. 

The toilet flushed and a man stepped out. A normal man. Like, really normal. Boring normal. I thought about words, phrases, metaphors I could use to describe him. Words like ‘bus driver’ and ‘mechanic’ came to mind. I was so taken by his lack of unique traits that I didn’t notice if he washed his hands or not. He left and I was alone in the bathroom. 

Hmm I thought. Poop poop. I looked to my left and to my right. I knew I was alone but I needed to check. I ambled toward the stall door, slipped inside and pulled the lock lever.

The stall walls were gray and worn with no graffiti. Boring. The tile floor, also gray. I pulled at the toilet paper in the dispenser. There was a sufficient amount of toilet paper. I peered into the toilet. 

“Hmm,” I said out loud. “Poop poop.”

There was poop in the toilet. Two large, well, pieces of fecal matter waiting for their fate to be decided. At first I thought it was gross. And it was. I mean, it’s shit. Human shit. But then I remembered, I heard him flush. I definitely heard the flush. Right?

So I pulled the flush lever. Water gushed into the toilet bowl and then the poop was gone. Which isn't weird at all. That is what’s supposed to happen. 

Why am I telling you this? Yeah, I thought it was pretty mundane too. Until I decided to leave the stall. Before unlocking the door, I took one final look at the toilet. Poop poop. 

In the toilet bowl, there were two big pieces of poop again! Thinking that the toilet was backed up, I flushed and watched the turds shoot down through the hole and who knows where. The clean water filled back up. 

I stood and watched it. Clean water. Still clean water. And then. Poop poop!

Two turds appeared out of nowhere. I thought they looked slightly different from the last two but I hadn’t paid attention to the details before. I took into account the size, color, and lack of corn. I flushed and they went down with the water. Then there was clean water. And then. There was poop poop! Two pieces again, most certainly different from the last!

And so here is where this all comes together, my fellow esteemed academic professionals. For so long, we have thought the human body to be efficient, well, as efficient as any biological organism can be. But now we’ve evolved to discover a more direct path for our feces. Instead of the formerly ‘efficient’ approach of the intestines to anus to the toilet–the indirect path– we now have a more direct path. Our poop can go directly into the toilet!